NOTE: Please read with humor because the following is for entertainment purposes only.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Avoid going outside….your sense of adventure is likely to lead you somewhere dangerous, such as an open field where you’ll probably be abducted by aliens and taken to outer space. Actually, definitely go outside.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Big decisions need to be made, but don’t listen to your heart, because it’s always wrong. The search for love is on, but your disappointing personality is unattractive to everyone you are after. Food poisoning is in the near future for you Taurus, and if I were you, I would avoid eating for a while. Family is always good to have around, but beware someone might stab you in the back…literally. If flying is in your future, then it would be best to avoid planes; we all know what happened to flight 815 in Lost.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your personality is very unique. Unique enough that people hate your guts. People stand in line just to call you a zombie, and others hope you walk in quicksand. Stay in your lane, please, it’ll do the universe justice. You’ll get good grades, but you have such an attitude that you belong in the trash. Heck, you should become a dumpster cleaner. Cheap is the way to go.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Cancers tend to be a spineless bunch; they always tend to follow more than lead. Cancer also represents the moon and water – or something like that. It probably means you get up at night to pee a lot. The moon also changes daily, meaning you have very regular mood swings which leads to people questioning your sanity. You’re probably bipolar. Whoever the actor Kathy Bates is, happens to also be a Cancer. Maybe you could be an actor too, but we all know that’s not going to happen.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Be careful, as a Leo, people tend to think the worst of you. Protect your father and make sure he doesn’t go near any danger zones with his siblings. The beach is not safe. Waterfalls are not safe. Skydiving has never been and never will be safe. If you think the mall is safe, you’re wrong. Escalators are the devil. If you have staircases, don’t walk up them. Who knows what booby traps and hidden holes are on those. Understand that everyone is out for you and your family’s blood. Food should be regarded with suspicion. Wear a hazard mask at all times: who knows what poisonous gases are out there. The best thing to do is hide under your bed for the rest of your adult life and sob quietly.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
As a Virgo your brain is in overdrive most of the time. You’re always thinking about random things, which is also why you get so much done. You are always useful to have around, and always do things to the best of your ability. You come across as someone who needs other people  to be happy, but you could be better off without them.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Old friends are always fun to reunite with, except when they turn out to be serial killers. Make sure that you truly know someone before you trust them with your secrets – you never know when they will turn their backs on you. Libra, popularity may seem like its everything right now, but that’s because it is. Get more friends. You never know what you are capable of until you try, although most Libras aren’t capable of anything so you shouldn’t even try.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Scorpios are known sadists. On the full moon on Nov. 6 (aka Al’s birthday) you will have the urge to hurt someone, or turn into a werewolf, or a vampire; who knows. Consider being a hitman for your future because Scorpios are known to be nice, just before they stab people in the front. If you have a partner, your love will flourish but be aware of Valentine’s Day because if you don’t give your love anything, then prepare to write your epitaph. For this upcoming month don’t let anyone bring you down, because you’re Beyonce for Halloween and you’ll tear your enemies down.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
As a Sagittarius, you may have been born in the winter months, but that does not mean that water turns to ice at your touch. Beware of the ocean, as well as your bathtub. You may end up drowning in an unceremonial way, and your family will probably cry. Probably. If they don’t, it’s not like you’ll be there to witness it anyway. To ensure that your family at least holds a funeral for you, bribe them continuously while you can. Ice cream usually works, but try buying at least two puppies for them. Shoot for ten. At the very least, they may end up hanging a tiny picture of you in the living room. Behind the TV.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Lately your money seems to have been draining rapidly. It might be because you like ice cream a tad too much, or it could be because someone has been stealing your money. If it seems like someone has been in your room, it means that someone definitely has. Or it could be that you sleepwalk. It might even be the case that the tooth fairy, for unknown reasons, visited you in the night and stole the money to give to some other strange and unfortunate child. Beware of these myths. That bruise or scratch you woke up with? That was definitely not a coincidence. There is no way to protect yourself. Just sit down with some candy and hope that they decide to spare your life. Under no circumstances should you report anything to the police, or research obscure and heinous sacrifice rituals online.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Remember that person you bumped into last week? That stranger that turned around and stared at you for a long time? Maybe it’s time to consider why that person looked at you strangely. Make sure to lock your doors. Put on a hat and sunglasses when you leave your house, just in case a certain someone has been following you. But if some leaves are ruffled outside your house, and it looks like someone trampled your mom’s flowers, it’s too late. There is no defense. You might be getting creepy text messages soon. Who knows if someone in a hood is stalking you and threatening to expose the dirty secrets you know you have.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
Being the kind and selfless Pisces you are, you will feel obligated to help all the people you can who seem to be in distress. Though this may seem like great news, you are wrong. While helping someone who seems to be upset or hurt, he will trick you and steal your money and phone. After you thought your day couldn’t get any worse, you’ll come home to a few broken windows, TP, and eggs.